“I hate compliments!”
Pink, legendary musician, had expressed her distaste of compliments, adding “I don’t accept praise.” When the interviewer pressed further, her body language and tone of voice clearly communicated she meant it. Granted, I don’t know what it’s like to have a star on the Walk of Fame, sell 90 million records including a double-platinum album, win 3 Grammys, an Emmy and 7 MTV music video awards and be voted woman of the year by Billboard, but I can relate to not handling praise well.
Even though there’s the part of me which longs for the rush of being praised, I know better — I know it doesn’t last and on the other end of the same seesaw of emotion is its opposite, contempt. I’m so afraid of contempt, I often avoid situations or activities to get off the seesaw altogether. I agree with Pink, “I hate compliments!” In my nearly 40 years of experience in the people development business as a life coach and psychotherapist, I’m convinced we’re not alone.
We human beings are hard-wired to be interdependent, social beings. So we need to be known, accepted and valued to thrive. We long for it. We need it. Therefore, it is understandable we would respond to compliments as a form of on-going important feedback for this critical connection. Without positive connection with others, there are negative consequences, even breakdowns of some form. It’s simply how we are. Can’t live without it. And it’s critical to learn how to live, really live, with it.
And . . . I’m learning . . . there’s another way.
It started several years ago at a weekend gathering of some 50+ men. I used to hate events like that. I hated them because they reminded me of middle school. Just prior to middle school, my parents moved to a totally different part of the city. I literally knew no one on the first day of school. And for the first time in my life, I became aware of this feeling — I didn’t measure up; I was “less than.” As a male in middle school, the measuring stick for this appraisal was sports and girls with the measurements continually announced in the boys locker room. Can’t remember a time I was in the top 10.
This belief (that felt so true) didn’t get resolved in middle school. Feeling “less than” became such a familiar feeling, I forgot it was there. It would expose itself with episodes of anxiety, and ultimately as an adult, full blown Major Depression. I eventually swallowed my pride/shame and used an antidepressant to function. But I was still unaware of the underlying feeling fueling the depression. So it didn’t leave. I couldn’t tell it to. Until this weekend with all these men who represented all the males with whom I had competed and never won.
I was at the weekend because one of the organizers, who I had known for a relatively brief time, had invited me. I felt obligated so I went. The time was structured so as to discuss common issues faced by most men. I knew the weekend was to start Friday night by baring your soul around a bonfire to a bunch of strangers. So I managed to be late to avoid the discomfort. Didn’t work. First thing the next morning they had the few of us who had missed the bonfire stand up and share our story (now in a well lit room). I was shaking with anxiety when my turn came. I couldn’t hide it. Already the feeling of “less than” was raising its ugly head!
It snowballed from there.There were multiple subsequent interactions with the men during small group discussions and free time in which I felt the shame of not measuring up. It was painful. So much so that the morning of the last day, I had all my things packed and ready to go as soon as I could without being too obvious. However, there was one more large group event scheduled.
In this last event, one of the men played and sang a song which he had written relevant to the content of the weekend. The lyrics struck such a deep emotional chord connected to the shame of “less than,” I couldn’t stop crying. But I didn’t care. I realized things about myself and other men I’d never seen before!
So when the group was given the choice to share any thoughts from the weekend not only was I not afraid to speak, I was one of the first to do so. Without any concern about what the others would think, I transparently shared my epiphany. When the time ended and men were headed home, one of the weekend speakers came up to compliment me on what I had said. But I did my typical auto response and deflected it. At that point, he looked me straight in the eye and said,
“You don’t realize your significance, do you?”
Then he simply walked away! I was baffled.
In the years since I have been in a learning process knowing and accepting one’s innate value, our GOLD*. One of my lessons has been how often compliments are focused on what we do and/or have obtained. Value is then placed on our accomplishments, our appearance, who we know, even as superficial as our sports team. Rarely is who we are even noticed, much more affirmed! We are hard-wired and programmed from day one to respond to compliments. It’s so ingrained we don’t think twice about it. When we hear a parent say to a well behaved child, “good boy!” we think, “What a good parent.”
But how does one good behavior declare the child to be “good?”. Or a string of consecutive eighteen bad behaviors deem him/her “bad?” And parents get way too much credit and way too much blame considering a child’s undeniable human capacity to choose. (New research indicates peer relationships have more impact than parents on kids’ life choices.) All behavior is tenuous because we are all imperfect beings. Home run one day; strike out 4 times the next. Hero one day; goat the next. Often these compliments are appraisals made by others whose perspective is a subjective bias for personal benefit. Too often they are a covert intent to manipulate. And, bottom line, our value is not based on what we do but who we are. Let me explain.
Remember Einstein’s quote? “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it’s stupid.” Compliments are often judgmental appraisals, e.g. “good boy.” These conclusions are based on superficial, limited and/or biased data. (No wonder Pink hates compliments!) Getting feedback on who we are, not what we do, that’s beneficial. I don’t believe we can completely know our true identity in this life. But we can certainly experience joy by it being progressively revealed. One way this occurs is by receiving feedback within trustworthy relationships. People who have no other agenda than to want you in the “water” if you’re a “fish.”
So the most helpful feedback, the best compliments, are people’s perspectives about who you are. These are personal observations on the “outward manifestations” of the innate qualities of your “essence.” In other words, making affirmations of the reality of what is “permanent and unchangeable . . . the very nature of.” You didn’t make your essence so you can’t mess it up! You can deny it and hide it though. You won’t experience real freedom and joy that comes from being who you are.
Think about a Stradivarius violin. Each one is hand-made, one of a time, throughout time by Antonio Stradivari in the 1700’s. The value of the one’s remaining continues to appreciate. One sold at an auction in London in 2011 for $15.9 million dollars! (Some conjecture the value of the violin’s sound quality results not only from Stradivari’s craftsmanship but also from the uniqueness of the wood available at the time.)
That violin didn’t make itself, tune itself or play itself. It’s valuable because it is a Stradivarius! Made by Mr. Stradivari. And what indescribably beautiful music comes through it! If, like in a Disney movie, it could anthropomorphically communicate the feeling it has when the music resonates through, I bet it would say, “What a rush! Let’s do that again . . . and again . . . and again . . . !”
And so it is with Pink. Her value is who she is. And so it is with you! And so it is with me! And she can’t lose that. She can choose not to work to develop it though. Which takes us to another aspect of best “compliments” — choosing to develop what innate qualities we have each been given.
For Pink, part of who she is likely includes musical intelligence** And that’s a gift. But that innate intelligence can remain hidden. If for whatever reasons she does not do the work to activate and foster that gift, it won’t be realized.. That includes a process with more failures than successes. The theory described in Now Discover Your Strengths states that each and every one of us has a “talent.” But if you do not make the “investment” of “practicing, developing your skills and building your knowledge base” that talent can remain hidden, tragically for a lifetime!
Because this process of developing our talents often involves failures and even rejections of who we are, we need others. Trustworthy people give support, challenges and affirmations informing and motivating us to persist in refining who we are. Examples could be:
“I can tell you’re working really hard to be quiet so your brother can sleep. Thank you.”
“Wow your creativity is really showing with the colors you picked out!”
“Your knack for organizing sure came in handy!”
“I can’t believe you found that tiny frog in all of that! You really have an eye for detail!”
OMG Pink! You have a God-given talent! Thanks for working so hard to share it with us!”
I wonder if Pink would hate compliments as much if she realized she’s been given the gift of musical talent which no one can add to or take away — it’s part of who she is. And it is a gift to others when she works hard so as to best share it with others. She’s a “Stradivarius!” She, as well as those who hear her perform can enjoy when the music comes through her!
What’s better than compliments? Seeing GOLD in ourselves and others — “it’s in us all!”
* See “G.O.L.D. Matrix” and “Knowing Who You Are” ** Howard Gardner theorizes there are 9 types of intelligence, including musical; all are innate. Others include naturalist, mathematical, existential, interpersonal, linguistic, intrapersonal, spatial and kinesthetic intelligence.